i had a long conversation with a good pal last night to cap off what was an exceptional weekend with friends. it revolved around a question i’ve struggled to answer my whole life; namely: WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DOING?!

ok, maybe without so much impact, but the question is what’s behind my restlessness and anxiety and impatience in life. without a doubt, i have more thoughts in my head about myself per day than the average person. maybe that makes me conceited. maybe it makes me confused and flaky. i’m pretty sure i’m somewhere in between.

i don’t consider myself a religious person. do i think there’s something out there bigger than me? absolutely. have i prayed to this being for answers? yes, many, many times. but anyway i found myself in a discussion on religion last night, and something stuck with me.

this is how it was explained to me, more or less: “in the bible, god’s given talents to three dudes. the first dude used his talents and god said, “cool.” (this sounds like my kind of god). the second dude used his talents, too, and god was all, “cool.” but the third dude, he saved his talents. he didn’t want to use them up. and god was like, “what the… why in the world are you saving these man?! don’t you know that’s why i gave them to you! to USE them. sheesh. now i’m going to take them away from you. way to go, moron.”

that sounds realistic.

his point was that he couldn’t believe i’d structured my life in a way that i wasn’t taking advantage of what to him (and apparently my aptitude testing results) was an obvious gift with music. he said that i’m holding myself back with thoughts like “well, i can’t read music” or “i need a degree” when i’ve been writing music since my mom plopped me in front of a piano and i promptly began fooling my teacher into believing i was reading music that i was instead playing from ear. (i got by until one day i kept playing but forgot to turn the page of the sheet music. my cover had officially been blown.)

so what makes it obvious that i should work in music, i asked. everything from my love of dance to my songwriting to my studying jazz to my breadth of choices in itunes. all of these are things i think anyone can possess, so i still am having a hard time.

so what do i do?  take time, think, narrow down my choices, research, and follow-through.

i hear monaco is nice this time of year…

someone told me earlier this summer that stone temple pilots suck in concert.  i was seeing them last weekend at virgin music festival, and, frankly, i had been completely excited.  much as i was when i was 16 and listening to big empty, teenage angst coursing through my veins as i drove home in my blue chevy cavalier from my boyfriend’s house.  it was nearing 11p, and i was assured a stern talking to because, well, on this particular night, i was running late.  apparently i didn’t come up for air enough to notice the time.

as the music started into “TIIIIIIIIIME TO TAKE HER HOOME” i rounded what should have been a full-stop corner with just a slight pump of the brakes.  a cop coming the other direction quickly did a hollywood-style u-turn while turning on his lights and siren, only to pull over a terrified 16-year-old who’d been driving less than a year and give her a ticket that would cost her a 30-day suspension.

i cried and called my mom from my zack-morris style car phone — not quite a cell phone, since it required a lighter plug to work — and told her that not only was i going to be more like a half hour past curfew, but i was bringing home a court date that would inevitably result in her coordinating with dad to cart me around for a month to my many responsibilities.  such as a job and gymnastics.  many.

laying on the grass last saturday, i expected a scott weiland to seem void of emotion and probably high.  i knew his shirt would come off, but surprisingly it didn’t until his bandmates already had shed theirs.  instead, what i heard was 1996 playing through my car speakers, except better than the tinny factory-installed ones, with pungent smells wafting through the air mixing with those of fried foods and evening dew.  they sounded alive; and aside from sounding as if they hadn’t just taken on a 12-year break from playing this song, they delivered BEYOND our expectations.

chrisi and i stayed happily for the entire set before nine inch nails conquered the stage in true style, then we broke away to catch kanye, whose ego was bigger than the spotlight he occupied alone in front of his hidden band.

i realized, as i stood among the teeming crowd and jammed to current beats, that my heart was still at the north stage.